Broward Police Academy

Two British traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident while checking for speeding motorists on the A-1 Great North Road.

One of the officers used a hand-held radar device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill, and was surprised when the speed was recorded at over 300 mph. Their radar suddenly stopped working and the officers were not able to reset it.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact latched on to a NATO Tornado fighter jet which was engaged in a low-flying exercise over the Border district, approaching from the North Sea.

Back at police headquarters the chief constable fired off a stiff complaint to the RAF Liaison office. Back came the reply in true laconic RAF style:

“Thank you for your message, which allows us to complete the file on this incident. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Tornado had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked onto, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it. Furthermore, an air-to-ground missile aboard the fully-armed aircraft had also automatically locked onto your equipment. Fortunately the pilot flying the Tornado recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile systems alert status, and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched and your hostile radar installation was destroyed.

Good Day…

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown
house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have
an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath.
Darn….I think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.

15. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

14. “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.” (My personal favorite.)

13. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

12. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know, that is the average speed of a 9 mm bullet fired from my gun.”

11. “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

10. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

9. “Warning? You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”

8. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not: Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

7. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO.”

6. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven”

5. “No, sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

4. “Just how big were those two beers?”

3. “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC (National Crime Information Center).”

2. “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours at least you know someone who can post your bail.”And……………….. THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!

1 “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t!

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. ‘Come on man. I was just giving you a hard time,’ the biker says. ‘I didn’t think you’d CRY.’ ‘I can’t stand to see a man crying.’

‘This is the worst day of my life,’ says the little guy between sobs. ‘I can’t do anything right.’ ‘I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don’t have any insurance.

I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me. So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the poison.’

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you’re too busy to talk to them for a week.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food or alcohol.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food or alcohol.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
POLICE FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
POLICE FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you in jail saying, ‘Darn…we screwed up…but man, that was fun!’

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
POLICE FRIENDS: Cry with you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. POLICE FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it’s yours.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that ‘s what the crowd is doing.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds’ ass that left you behind.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
POLICE FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, ‘I’m home!’

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
POLICE FRIENDS: Are for life.

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences…
POLICE FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no citizen could ever dream of…

CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
POLICE FRIENDS: Will knock them out for using your name in vain.